muddling through the path called "life"

It seems a little strange that I should so suddenly return (or not really) to fanfiction-dom after such a long break from reading, but out of an impulse to reignite my love for Ruroken, and a sudden hunger to peruse my old obsessions, I went in search of old favourites I prayed were still there.

They were, and oh, did they make my heart break.

Perhaps I haven't been reading a lot nowadays so I can't really say, but those fanfiction stories from my childhood (I think I read them almost 10 years ago) were so beautifully crafted and worded that reading them are simply a joy.

Of course, there have been some recent Harry Potter fics I came across that blew my mind away with their sheer length and ingenious story lines, but the beauty, the sheer elegance and imagery that the Ruroken stories contain are simply.... 
*shakes head* Even the humourous ones have their own sense of "homeyness" and warmth that I find really nostalgic and comforting.

Ah well, I don't have time now, but I will certainly post some links to a few of my favourite Ruroken stories up in this post in a bit. :)
Yay for awesome Ruroken fic-writers. :)

clawing away from the the wave that threatens to consume you
being swallowed, engulfed and dregs of consciousness shredded
drowning in oblivion, 
battle once again, the sharp light of awareness shocking your entire system
fight and struggle you must overcome this!!!
but it drags you down, roiling, smothering, 
countless bouts until it finally releases you

And you lay eyes open, panting, deep breaths, your entire body tingling.




...Sighs.

Sighs. How to diet like this... -___-"

The passing of silly little fantasies and my feet on the ground again.

Now I don't have little fake excuses and reasons to motivate myself to accomplish goals.
It's the real thing now, to see if I have the determination it takes to do what I wanna do.

I feel a little relieved.

Lols, no it's not gonna be a lengthy "official" review of the trip, no matter how "official" the title looks. :3

The trip could only be fun of course, with ALL the intermediate girls going for the first time. <3 And it's an awesome batch party-kinda thing too, with 8 out of the 11 people who went being from our batch. :) And though the amount of rest we got was miserable due to the crazy hours, but camping together at Jungko was definitely very very very fun. :D

Now that was the journey and the trip. The tournament and kendo itself, well, what could I say? ^__^" Oh, but I hafta say, I'm so so glad that we girls all finally were able to make a team! Although we (all) lost, I'm glad we all had fun there. :)

Ok, so now the next part. Hmm, now how do I phrase this? Let's just say, after the tourney and especially after the (very very useful and exciting actually!) practice at Etobicoke, I realize that well, I really really suck.

^__^" Mmmmm, I mean, yes, I kinda realize I suck in practice from McGill kendo, I mean, just look at me. Lols. But in the tourney, not performing like I knew I could... Also, being corrected on the most basic of basic things that I know I should be able to do already.... These are not everything of course, but somehow feeling it so deeply both from the tourney and the Etobicoke prac, it kinda shook me up a little. Looking at the many other awesome people in the kendo "world", I start wondering, where do I want my kendo to go? Am I satisfied to just aiming to be better than an average newcomer?

But I think I'm shaken up in a good way. I have an aim now. Not a concrete one, but by the next Toronto tournament, I want to be better. And by better, I mean good enough that I don't feel embarrassed by my own kendo.

A motivation came from there being at least two senseis in Toronto that I really want to do keiko with, and though I know it's really silly, this time I was so ashamed of my kendo that I simply didn't want to.

Maybe it's never possible to reach my goal. I don't know. But I am sure gonna try.

No more games and movies and TV dramas in the weekdays from now on. It's gonna be about school, kendo, rest. (And God, of course, but He's always and will always be there. ;) )


I may be reaching my "plateau" for improving in kendo right now, but damn if I'm not gonna try to break the limit. I am not good enough to reach that plateau yet, so until I am, I'm gonna keep pushing.

To keiko with ______ and especially ______-sensei next time!!! o(>.<)/

ROARS!!! GANBARU WA!!!!

I believe the people I meet in my life I meet for a reason.

And these few years I have met many great people who may not be famous or seemingly awesome to others, but are beautiful and awesome in their own way.

Their presence makes me humble, and they all are wonderful inspirations in life.

But most of all, I thank the Lord for letting me meet them, and for what makes me humblest of all, that they have it in them to care for me in their own ways.


[Edit: I realized that this entry is absolutely random, and probably would seem to have been more suited for AFTER the kendo trip. But this is something I am reminded of at every kendo practice, and for which I have been grateful of for a very long time, so now seems a very appropriate time to say this. :) ]

Mmm...going back through my old blog posts.
I feel like deleting some of them.

Running away again？
(笑）
Sorry, I disagree.

It's called, eliminating what makes me feel 嫌。
Maybe one day I'll regret it.
Well then, till then. ;)

「自己中心だね」

Someone said that to me once, and I realize that person was very right.

I stumbled upon's a friend's comment on this blog just today, and in that way, stumbled across her blog too. And I am touched, and so very glad that she chose to share it in her own way with me.

Reading people's blogs are always... I don't have a word for it, touching? Moving? My friends' blogs lead me to know more about them, more than I could usually see and know, and I'm so grateful for that chance, because I know I haven't been a good listener for a very long time.

See, 「自己中心だね」
It'll always end up being "about me".

I try hard to be a "good person". To be a "kind person". I try to be fair, because that's the right thing to do. To care about others more, and not make it all about me.
I've seen others do it. 
I should be able to too, if I try enough, right?

Then I see myself not caring sometimes, or not able to find the right words when I want to care.
Then I start worrying that people would think I'm callous and awkward, and they would dislike me for it...

なんか子供っぽいね。
今までのブログポストは全部子供っぽいね。

And then I start worrying about that I'm too much like a kid, and I should be more adult, and I should grow up...
But I wonder, is trying even worth it?
如果不是真正的自己，又有什么意思呢？

Sometimes I spaz out and bounce around so much that I scare myself.
Maybe somewhere in the beginning I have been acting a little more chipper than I need be, or simply because I thought that's how I should be around this group of people.
Maybe afterwards it stuck, and that's how it is.
Or maybe that's how that particular group of people expect me to act, and so I give them what they want, to keep things simple.

I couldn't tell most of the times anymore.
If the "chipper-ness" becomes automatic and natural, is it still induced and "put on"?
Or would that have turned out to be my "natural" reaction and attitude and "personality" around that group of people even without me doing anything?

まあね。
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a kid trying to grow up desperately.
Does it make sense even to try?

So Granby Tournie Fall 2011 was yesterday, and for some crazy reason, Alex-sempai put me in Sempo (ie. first position) for McGill Team B. ^___^

Ahah, Granby was "quick" for me. Lost first round to the to-be Women's division champion. ^__^" Perhaps I could've done better and made it harder for her, but blah, nerves are nerves are irritating.

Team matches was interesting. We were the first team match up and well, I was sempo, so lols, first match. Energy was uber uber high it was crazy, and I think I was a little too high. I lost my match, but I haven't quite figured out WHY ("oh, cos he's better than you" isn't a good reason -__-"), and Alex-sempai just told me to go get more experience lols (he said he was happy with what I did, and well, I did like my energy, but skillwise... -___-"). Anyways, my voice died from yesterday, a first in kendo actually hmm! Team matches was fun, but it really makes me want to get BETTER DAMMIT!!! Lols, if I can go from hot to cold to hot in a match, that'll be so utterly awesome, but I still need to work on that. At least I know that my energy can match that of a ...(what did I say to Susie?) rabid hamster? ^__^"

The A team and Susie and Dahn did awesome jobs and omg we (at least I know I am) so so so so so so proud of Dahn zomg! He's our batchmate and he got champion!!! :D In a YEAR of doing kendo that's just plain CRAZY!!!! :D Hahahahahaha, neways.

これからもがんばります！！！

I think that's the phrase I use the most in kendo now hahaha. Ah well.
It's only a two week difference but I WILL DO BETTER IN JCCC!!!!!! :) That's my aim anyways. :D

And back from kendo world. Time to mug. ^_^"

So today was kendo practice. XD And I almoooooooost didn't go. Almost almost. Though it was a pretty tiny almost. XD Cos there was a tech paper to edit by monday and me, of course, being me, haven't started on it.

Neways!

Training today was short. >< VERY short, mainly cos of kata and then the beginners got to whack us. I totally love teaching them, but I just wish we have an extra additional half hour or hour to make up for the time we lost. :P

Tonikaku! With a meager 40 mins, I managed to get all fired up which was utterly awesome, and a few pointers for myself to remember...( stuff )
And and and and before I end off I have to say...
I am so happy!!! IgotintoMcGillTeamBzomgzomgzomg!!!! Though I would think most of it is because Alex-sempai is really nice,but! :D
Yes, so I was D: at first, cos I'm like D: nande?!? I'm not good enough.... to :D ok! Ganbarimashou!. ;)

GANBARIMASHOU!!! XD